How to Talk about Race Before Kindergarten
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It’s pretty easy to find ways to talk about race with an elementary or middle schooler, but what about in early childhood? Here are some recommendations for talking about race with your child in any age group before kindergarten.
Infants
When we are talking to our infants for encouragement and confidence, we can also talk to them positively about their unique characteristics, inside and out . For example, saying things like, “I love your curly hair” or “Thank you for being so kind.” You can also use the same language when talking about their friends, family, and teachers who all look different from each other. Listening to songs or reading books with these positive affirmations (like You Matter by Christian Robinson) can be a first step to understanding that we all matter and all have inherent value.
You can also be aware of your own responses when interacting with people of different races. When you walk down the street or interact with other families, pay attention to things that you do that might present as bias, no matter how subtle. Who do you model respect to? Who do you laugh at? Do you tense up or ignore people who look a certain way? What kinds of people do you smile at? What kinds of people do you call beautiful?
Toddlers
Toddlers: Incorporating Diversity and Making Observations
When toddlers begin making more connections between words and images, it’s important that through play and everyday interactions, they see diverse groups of people to make positive associations with all kinds of individuals. While you can and should incorporate diversity at any age, when you notice what your toddler is most interested in, it is a wonderful way to show how all kinds of people do the things they love. Playing with baby dolls of various skin colors, looking at pictures of Black firefighters or train conductors, or dancing to songs in different languages are all awesome ways to incorporate inclusion into play. You can say things like, “I love all of your babies and how kind you are to them” or “Wow aren’t those firefighters so brave?” or “It’s so fun dancing to this music with you!”
As toddlers learn how to express their observations to the people around them, they may make facial expressions, point, or even use singular words to show when they notice something new or recognize something they see. When they make these observations, these are great opportunities to make positive associations when they notice differences and similarities in what people look like: “Yes, her eyes look a lot like yours, I love how they look!” or “I do see that her skin is darker, it’s also very beautiful.”
Preschoolers
Preschoolers: Talking Through Preferences and Asking Questions
At this age, children are finding opportunities to make their own opinions and share them with the people around them. This is commonly an age where parents notice children expressing racial preferences like not wanting to play with darker skinned dolls or not wanting to play pretend as Black and Brown characters from movies or TV shows. Children of color may even express that they want to have different physical characteristics, like blue eyes or pale skin. Expert Dr. Aisha White says that “parents shouldn’t be unnecessarily concerned or disturbed by that. Because it’s just something that comes from being immersed in a highly racial society where images that children see are predominantly white images.”
If you notice instances like this with your child, Dr. White recommends having a conversation and asking them “Why don’t you want to play with this doll?” or “Why do you want to look like someone else?”.
After listening, you can emphasize how everyone matters in a positive way: “I think this doll is just as kind and beautiful as the other dolls. I want us to show her that we love her!” or “I don’t want you to change, you are so wonderful just the way you are.” However, this must be paired with consistent positive socialization around people of color, using exposure in their books or media and their everyday interactions.
Junior Kindergarten
Junior Kindergarten: Telling Stories and Exploring How We Feel
As their language and concepts develop, the questions curious children ask at this age tend to begin with “Why?” And when dealing with complex topic of race, coming up with a simple, age-appropriate answer can feel daunting. However, it can be very helpful to use feelings to tell the story of what’s going on with honesty.
For example, if your child asks what is happening during a Black Lives Matter protest and why, you can say: “Sometimes, people get treated unfairly and want to express that they’re mad or sad because someone isn’t listening to them. They want to help other people by holding up signs and talking about how they feel. I might be a helper in a protest, but if I think it isn’t safe, I will come home right away.”
Dr. White recommends reading books with children at this age and using those to spur conversation as well. Asking questions like “Which of the children would you want to be friends with? Why?” or “What would you do if this person was being bullied or called names because of who they are? When you try helping that person, it’s called being an ally.” Dr. White says these moments can “be a step toward children thinking about what they can do as a young child who might feel like they don’t have a lot of power - but they do.”